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From the orientation of Br. Jorrell on the Christian Life Program
- The Poor (Ang Mahirap/Naghihirap)
- The Blind (Ang Bulag/Ang Nabubulagan)
- The Captives (Nakakulong)
- The Oppressed (Ang Nasisiil)
I just realized how far I’ve gone.
Marlon and I attended an orientation for a 12-part program on Christian Life. I didn’t attend voluntarily, in fact, I had decided to be a meanie about it and not pay attention. The past few (years, months, weeks!!!) days have been hectic and stressful and I was in no mood to hear someone “sermon”.
Before Marlon and I got there, I was already in an argumentative mood. I was ill-at-ease but I felt something tugging at me to “go” to the orientation. When we got there, I was still in my “mood”. The hall was dimly lit (yellow lighting) but I felt as if I was burning my eyes. In my head, I was thinking – “show up, show yourself, then make an excuse to go”. Marlon and I sat in the front row – though we both still don’t know why I suggested it in the first place (I normally take the back seat so I wont draw attention to myself if I leave).
From the time we sat, I kept fidgeting. I was listening – and not listening. Things were distracting me. When I would listen, I wasn’t listening – I would judge the speaker, judge the other participants. But even though I was not actively listening, what Brother Jorrell was saying stung and stuck. I felt as if someone was shooting at me with invisible pellets, and each shot made contact. Brother Jorrell directed questions towards Marlon and myself, and at first, I gave straight and unattached answers. But later on, I felt as if the ice that was surrounding my being began to melt, and I began listening – attentively.
Also, the lighting in the place didnt hurt my eyes anymore. I began to listen and pay attention. Laughed when it was appropriate to laugh. Asked questions or stated phrases that were not meant to irritate or distract.
Suffice it to say, things became clear. Life made sense. And I – though embarassed for my initial reactions, am thoroughly excited to attend the next session.
Dear Lord, I am not worthy to receive You. Yet You are a merciful and loving God, and even though I have allowed myself to be led astray, You continue to wait for me to come Home to You. Dear God, forgive me for my arrogance. Forgive me for casting the first stone, when I myself am filthy. Lord, help me to forgive and seek forgiveness. Help me to help others, and serve You completely. Thank you for the chance Lord and your continued blessings, and I pray that I will not falter this time around. Amen.
I dont belong here, I guess.
I’m not the type to force myself into a clique. If you want to be my friend, that’s great. But if you dont, I wont force you to like me. I prefer to keep things simple that way.
But sometimes, it just get’s so, I don’t know, tiring. Tiring not being asked out to lunch or a snack. Tiring to be the only one left in the office while everyone crams in the pantry. I never barge in. I dont go where I’m not wanted. Like a vampire, I need to be invited to know that I’m welcome.
Am I being sentimental or overly sensitive? I dont know. But I have always had a strong intuitive sense. If I dont belong, or if I’m not wanted, I know it. I feel it.
So yes, continue to give me the cold shoulder. I will not do the same. Instead, I’ll continue to treat you with the kindness and civility you do not actually deserve.